Sunday, November 13, 2011

time to embrace the situation

... ya know... times like this when you feel like you've tried so hard to do and help and I look back on all my mistakes.... gosh from the time when I was a little girl... things along the way in life that happened... and then I wonder  how we all made It this long...
I never meant to make bad choices, it's like i got caught in a whirlpool.... i tried hard to do right but just let myself get clobbered... but that is the past and I will work and get myself back.... 
then this thing... no one means to get sick, get cancer... it happens...and we tell ourselves... could I have done different to protect myself etc.... all that I allowed from outside is what has beat me up, has stressed me.... well, I am in my 50's and have learned that i must filter more of the stresses and appreciate my present.
so many people have is so much worse than I.... 
and funny you would say I would be tired of "feeling like a lab rat" .... you are right... and heck, I have just begun being poked, prodded, x-rayed, medicated and operated on.... I have had a good healthy life of strength and vitality.... and yes... I will work for more... and work for more with all of you....
I always ate good... and yes... I snitched fun stuff and fatty stuff, and forbidden indulgences... but I always came back to knowing and thinking healthier and better.... and now i must pull my boots on by the boot straps.... i will walk through the sloppy corral full of shit, get kicked, maybe butted, I will have to run for the fence to avoid a few mad cows, i will have joy in my self, my family, and in my friends.... and yes... i will fight like hell.... 
thank you for your support and love.... you are all so important !
I physically FEEL GREAT .... and I want to stay on that feel great road... using all my feel great... to keep me working through this !
forgive my moments of questioning, my moments of low, my moments of regret for my mistakes, and my moments of knowing that I allowed things in my life that I should not have allowed... and those are some of the reasons I question and get frustrated...  and those are some of the reasons that make me want to have a say in and to know what is happening to me... I want to make right choices for my treatment and for my well being.....
geez.... you must feel like a priest because I feel like I just cleansed and purged my soul.... sometimes you just gotta get it out of your head.....
It is time to stop looking back, fight forward, embrace my present, love and appreciate my present and future.... yep... and fight like hell !
let's saddle up and ride !
xoxo

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